


The Shape of Guilt

by angrybirdcr



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst and Feels, Angst and Tragedy, Bucky Barnes & Steve Rogers Friendship, Bucky Barnes Angst, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Has Issues, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, F/M, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Major Character Injury, Minor Bucky Barnes/Clint Barton, Minor Bucky Barnes/Steve Rogers, Minor Bucky Barnes/Tony Stark
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-06
Updated: 2020-05-06
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:14:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,711
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24047224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angrybirdcr/pseuds/angrybirdcr
Summary: For James Buchanan "Bucky" Barnes, guilt comes in the shape of a woman. One that made The Winter Soldier feel powerless, falling to his knees.
Relationships: Bucky Barnes & OFC, Bucky Barnes & Original Female Character, Bucky Barnes/OFC, James "Bucky" Barnes & Original Female Character, James "Bucky" Barnes/Original Female Character(s), bucky barnes/original female character
Kudos: 3





	The Shape of Guilt

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by given prompt- few words of the lyrics included on the fic. It was very satisfying to be part of Tumblr's @sagechanoafterdark writing challenge! I hope that you enjoy it!
> 
> Prompt: Let it Bleed by Unlike Pluto
> 
> **DISCLAIMER: I don’t own any rights on any MARVEL characters, this is for entertainment purposes only. I only hold the rights to my own original characters (OFC).**
> 
> ** Please DO NOT post any of my works on any other platform or site without my express written consent. Feel free to like and/or to comment. Thanks You!**

The world stopped as his blood ran cold, his heart being ripped outside his chest

That’s how it felt the moment the bullet hit her chest and her body collided on the ground.

Powerless, Useless, Numbness , Guilty…

‘If only I had reached her sooner’ ‘If only I hadn’t let her come’ ‘If only I had told her the truth before’ ‘If only…’

A turmoil of thoughts invaded him and punched him on the guts, but it was too late. As he dropped on his knees he held her on his arms, blood pouring from her like a broken dam, her life literally running through his hands…

“Oh God…no, no, no…” It was his mantra, watching all color draining from her face “Please babe, open your eyes! Don’t you dare die on me!” He begged her, while she weakly tried to hold his hands

“I- I’m sorry…” She said almost like a whisper

“No, there’s nothing to be sorry for sweetheart…”

“Let it bleed soldier…” She said touching his hand

“Please stay with me! Help’s on the way…just wait a little while longer, PLEASE” He didn’t notice he was crying until he heard her calling his name

“Bucky… don’t cry…” She slowly wiped a lonely tear, unwillingly leaving a small blood Thrace behind “Take care James” She said closing her eyes

“LIV!! NOOO!” He sweetly caressed her face “TONY! Where are you? We’re losing her!” He frantically called on the comms

“HOLD ON! We’re over you bud!” He heard him say, the dark skies the herald of their doom, another shot rang on the air. He grunted feeling the cold burn on his right shoulder, right on time as the team arrived to their location taking down the threats. Steve rushed in to his side trying to check his wound, but he wouldn’t let him do so

“No! I’m ok…I’m ok! Take her! HER!” He struggled against his grip as Tony knelt next to her

“You’re definitely NOT ok buddy… please let the man help her” Steve asked him tightening his grip on him… the concerned looks from his teammates passed by him like a blur, one really slow painful blur. He felt the ringing inside his ears, a strong hold on his forearm, as he could only hear the words “We got her!”, the the world went black

****Few hours ago****

“Hey, have you seen Liv?” Bucky asked a clearly uninterested Clint sitting on the couch

“5’4”? brunette? Hazel eyes? Nerd glasses on?”

“Yes, Clint… Olivia…Do you know where she is?”

“No idea…” He answered throwing another chip up, catching it midair

“Then why did you-? You know what? Never mind!” Bucky said walking away, going towards the only place he could think off other than Tony’s Lab…the study, her “dream place” she once called it, since it held the peace and quiet she loved to read her books

He knew he’s being a jerk with her, he regretted it every single time, yet he couldn’t find a way or the time to explain her his reasons. He only wished for a minute of her time, but she seemed to smell it since she ran away from him every time he wanted to approach her. Today wasn’t any different, she woke up earlier than usual to grab her breakfast, she changed her training schedule to not collide with his, she even went as far as to basically lock herself up on her room if she wasn’t needed elsewhere. He swore that young, beautiful and smart techie recruit would be the death of him…

He knocked on the door

“Come in” He heard her melodic voice. She carefully turned her look away from her book “Oh, it’s you” Her voice held bitterness and pain

“Yes, sadly none other than me.” He said looking down, his hands on his pockets “I know that you’re the last person that you want to see now…”

“And why would that be?” She purposefully snapped back

“I…” He was taken aback by her directness,clear shock flashed on his eyes

“Maybe because you have been a complete asshole with me during the past few weeks?” She lashed out, loudly closing her book with more force than necessary

“I’m sorry, I know that I have a lot to explain. But I got the feeling that this is not going to end the way that I imagined…”

“Really? What gave it away?” She sassed him, sighing “Look, I’m the one that’s sorry for bitching you. You must understand one thing James: I’m not a playtoy that you can discard whenever you feel like it” She sternly said

“What?” Big red and loud alarms rang on his head, of everything that could possibly be going on, not this… “I would never think of you that way!” He flipped out, waving his hands in a ‘no’ motion, softening his eyes

“Then why?” Her voice wavered “Why do you act so nice and sweet one moment, with all these details and care but then suddenly you keep me in the dark and you act so damn cold?” Her sight noticeably clouded with unshed tears, rendering him speechless

“Why can’t you be straightforward with me? I’m not a fragile porcelain doll Bucky. If I’ve misunderstood this” she moved her hands between them “… if you want us to remain just teammates, then I’ll move on” She quickly wiped a tear

“That’s so not it Livy!” He unconsciously sounded angry, the haunting darkness of his past overshadowing his actions. The inside boiling anger, that could be barely contained, was not one to consume her but himself. Him and his insecurities over bloodied days gone by that couldn’t be changed.

She flinched, her eyes wide open… he scared her

“Why don’t you know that you’re the one with all the control? I’m sure that I sound like a cliché romantic but honestly? I don’t care! You either love me or let me be but I’m done of whatever hot-potato game that you’re playing” She shot back, rushing outside the door leaving a frozen Bucky behind.

Regret- that’s the heaviest burden he would carry because of his silence

*****

Everything that could go wrong on their mission, went wrong. The gloomy time like a harbinger of tragedy. Now here they were, the team, their family, watching over them. Here he was, his arm resting on a cast, a purple eye and a few scratches that were already healing but it couldn’t be said the same for Olivia. There she laid with a pale face and wires and tubes all over her. Tony had stopped the bleeding onsite but the damage was too much, she was rushed to the medical ward. The most advanced technology and expert doctors were available for her care, yet it all laid on herself. Did she really want to live? Or was she simply too tired to fight back?

“You know man, I terribly suck at motivational speech…if anything I most likely de-motivate people …”Tony huffed “But I’m a renowned narcissist and as such I MUST speak high of my technology and equipment.”

“Tony…” Pepper warned him

“So, anyways… what I’m trying to say is that she’s going to make it through pal. She’s a strong warrior. It could have happened to any of us, she just took it for us this time around. She’s an avenger, one of us, she’s under the best care she could possibly be. So fret not” He solemnly said, clear determination on his eyes

“You must be tired, so we are. We’re gonna leave you alone for now. If you need anything just call” Pepper sweetly said, pushing Tony and the others outside the room.

For what seemed to be hours, yet we’re just a few minutes, silence engulfed the space. Nothing but the sound of her heartbeat and their breathing. He held her hand on his, softly rubbing it

“I don’t know if you can hear me but I’m sorry Liv. I know that I’ve said it multiple times lately but I must do so.” He humorlessly chuckled “I never got to be honest with you and you deserve it. Your words cut me deep doll, it poured salt into my wounds. But did you know that after the sting there’s healing left behind it? I’m a man of few words but this I Have to tell you, even if you can’t hear me… You, you brought light to my life and I just watched you bleed…” He sniffled

“You asked me to let it happen and I’m hoping it was fuzzy talk… you must wake up. I’m a selfish jerk but I need you to wake up…” The strong winter soldier was on his knees, the heavy pain he was carrying inside was killing him…

…. it was guilt… Guilt he felt over harsh hurtful words said in the spur of a moment, guilt over mistaken actions, guilt over the tears he caused her to shed, guilt over the sleepless nights he knows she endured because of him, guilt over the restless days she spent trying to help him even when he behaved like a child and guilt over his nonsense indecision…

…it was regret…Regret over lost time and unsaid words, regret over incomplete actions and intended details, regret over wasted moments and missed smiles, regret over untold feelings and emotions, regret over the missed chances he had to show her what she meant for him and how much he was willing to do for her…

How does guilt look like? For James Buchanan Barnes, It all came in the shape of a woman and it had a name, Olivia Sadie Martinez. For him, She was the epitome of perfection yet the depiction of an unfulfilled love story ending on tragedy. One that he wished to changed but was unsure if he would ever have that opportunity. Her laying down so defenseless in front of him, if she were nerves to wake up, he would never forgive himself.

He tenderly kissed her forehead and her cheek, pouring all the love and pent up emotions he held in, hoping that somehow she would feel it…

Then it happened, dread filled his heart. The sound that forever changed his present and future…

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Feel free to follow me on Tumblr at https://www.tumblr.com/blog/angrybirdcr


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